Chapter 3. Heart to Heart.

A month had passed quickly since Molly had come home from hospital. Each day she was occupied with her training with Nanny. Tension had continued to grow between her and Tessa, home life had became quite awkward, and she did her best to stay out of her mothers way. Feeling slightly torn, she didn’t want to upset her mum, but  she loved this other aspect of her life, it was captivating and so, so interesting. She had been practising meditation each morning before going downstairs for breakfast. It lessened the anxiety she was feeling towards her mother. But this one morning, something different happened. Molly had been listening to music with headphones on, it helped her to shut out the physical world and took her to a peaceful place. She felt her body and mind relax as usual, but became aware of something different – the presence of someone else in the room with her. It was so beautiful, but Molly was unable to find words to describe the encounter. However, it made her feel safe, secure, strong, confident, trusting, all-knowing, and an immense love like she had never felt before….and then there was a twinge of a memory….the words, ‘Love Like Never Before’ unsettled her. Had Molly experienced Love like this before….she felt that she had but how? And where? And then her heart began to ache for a memory that was just out of her grasp. Sadness snapped her back to the present moment and the feeling of her visitor had gone. Molly decided to have a shower before going downstairs for breakfast, she was not ready to be having any kind of conversations with her mother just yet. Standing under the warm water, she felt the sadness intensify and her heart ached. Such a strong sensation of loss, but for who or what? It felt like a life she had lived but was unable to remember…tears mingled with the shower water and she cried, letting the deep grief come to the surface.

Relief replaced the sadness and Molly stepping out of the shower, wrapped herself in a towel and looked at herself in the mirror over the handbasin. “Oh god, woman, aren’t you a sight!” It was then that Molly decided that she would discuss this with Nanny later in the morning. She sighed deeply attempting to shake off the emotion and went downstairs for breakfast. Her mother was nowhere to be seen. There was a note on the kitchen table next to a bowl of fruit, muesli and yoghurt Tessa had prepared for her. It read, “Have a good day my love.” Molly guessed that she had missed her mum because of the shower. She smiled at the kindness in the note and care that her mum had taken in making her breakfast for her anyway. Her guardedness softened and Molly felt a new level of compassion for her mum. She had no idea what it had been like for Tessa when Molly was unconscious in hospital. And being so self-absorbed, had not even thought of asking her about this. Molly decided that she would that evening. On way home from Nanny’s she would get some ingredients for dinner, and left a note for her mum saying that she would take care of dinner for them both tonight. Molly felt much better and ready to start her day with Nanny.

Nanny had this ability to read Molly like a book. Molly had  never actually seen her reading any books, or writing anything down and was not sure if Nanny was illiterate. Molly always took her own notes down, Nanny would show her what to do or how to do it, all that she was learning was very much hands-on and practical. And she loved her days with Nanny, but today was to be the first of something new. Molly had intended to talk to Nanny about her meditation that morning, but before she had a chance to bring it up, Nanny had much to say. 

“Morena Molly. Things change for you this morning, ay!” She smiled as Molly walked through the front door of Nanny’s cottage and into the tiny kitchen which acted as one of their “classrooms”. Nanny kissed her on both cheeks, looked her in the eye and smiled, a greeting that had become customary for them. Today Molly was learning how to prepare herbal oils for massage. 

“What do you mean Nanny?” She asked slightly puzzled. Sometimes Molly felt like the woman was able to see into her life like she had a crystal ball or some kind of clairvoyant close circuit monitoring system.

“Meditation this morning, it different for you ay!” She smiled and winked at Molly. Molly knew exactly what she was referring to. “How did you know, and what do you know, Nanny? I wanted to discuss this with you this morning.” Nanny winked again and tapped the side of her nose indicating that it was secret stuff. Nanny carefully pushed aside all of the dried herbs and bottles of oil waiting for todays lesson, and sat opposite to Molly, taking both of her hands firmly and looking intently into her eyes. Mesmerised, Molly was instantly transfixed, as she watched Nanny’s eyes change from dark brown to green to turquoise blue. This took Molly’s breath away! Something stirred within her, as she recognised those eyes again! Chills ran up her arms and the hairs on the back of her neck prickled. What was happening here? She stared unblinkingly at Nanny, who’s eyes had returned to their original dark brown colour. Molly had frozen, something she was unable to grasp was stirring in the back of her mind, something familiar. Nanny got up and put the kettle on the stove to boil. Nanny chatted quietly, almost under her breath whilst she made tea. Together they sat in silence as they sipped the hot brew. Holding an old chipped mug the hot, sweet tea warmed her hands, Molly was able to find the words to talk. “W-what, what’s happening Nanny? What’s happening to me?” Molly stuttered, emotions overwhelming her, she began to shake. Nanny stood up and walked around the table to hug her. “Molly, you trust me?” To which Molly nodded her head in agreement.

“Somethings take time, everything has it’s own time….out of our hands, Divine Timing. Do you know what I mean?” She asked.

Molly looked a little confused. “Who was it in my meditation?”

Nanny smiled knowingly at her. She closed her eyes, as if in some silent conversation with someone not visible to Molly, nodded her head, opened her eyes and said. “She your guardian angel. You call her Grace,” and patted the back of Molly’s hand affectionately. “You know her, she your invisible friend, when you were a little un’.” 

Suddenly the confusion lifted and the look of remembrance swept across Molly’s face. 

“Yes! Yes! Now I do remember!” Molly said excitedly, her energy having shifted with the realisation. Oh my god Nanny, I DO remember! Wow…..” Awestruck, Molly sat back in her chair and stared at the old lady, a smile danced across her lips. 

“Meditate more, see her more!” And Nanny ended the conversation by busying herself, clearing the table of tea cups and rearranging the dried herbs and oils. “Today we make massage oil for them creaky joints.”

The day passed quickly as Molly focussed on what Nanny was showing her. As she helped Nanny tidy up, the old lady said casually to her, “You talk to your Ma tonight, share some kai and make it all right.” Molly smiled at the way Nanny was able to do this, to tap into what was going on in her busy mind, sort through it all and pick out the most meaningful topic. On her way home she stopped by the supermarket to buy ingredients for dinner, having decided to make a pasta dish. She knew her mum would enjoy that.  Molly selected a bottle of white wine to accompany the dinner, and a bunch of brightly coloured gerbera flowers, which she knew would cheer her mum up. It was Friday and there would be no classes with Nanny until Monday. She could chat with her mum for as long as they wanted to tonight. She hoped that Tessa would open up to her, help ease the tension that had developed between them. 

And it did. They stayed up until the early morning, when the dawn began to lighten the sky. Tessa shared with her how afraid she was whilst Molly was unconscious, of the fear of her not waking or what she might wake to. Also the funny things that happened, and of how the staff had been so helpful. But when Molly started to talk about how that she had experienced something quite different, whilst she was unconscious in hospital and that she was still struggling to find the words to explain it even to herself, Tessa began to shut down. These things spooked her, and reminded her of when she was a child. Her mother often held seances and clairvoyant gatherings in their house, and Tessa was supposed to be in bed but often sneaked out to watch through a crack between the heavy drapes which separated the living room and the hallway. Not wanting to ask questions because she was not meant to be there, Tessa never got to understand what it was all really about.

Tessa stubbornly drew the line here and ended the conversation abruptly, not wishing to discuss this matter any further, and announced that it was time they both got some sleep. Realising the startled and disappointed look on Molly’s face, her attitude softened a little. “Somethings we do not need to discuss Molly. Maybe one day, when I am ready. Doesn’t mean I love you any less.” Tessa hugged her, holding her close, and at the same time felt the tug of the apron strings, of her daughter’s own life unfolding for her,  and  intuitively sensed the urge for Molly to leave home. And that was the last time Tessa mentioned Molly’s accident, her fear greater than her trust in the unknown. She had been so close to losing her daughter, and it had triggered other fears of loss in her life. Memories she would not talk to anyone about.

Both of them slept until late, it was after 11am when Tessa got up and began to clean the mess they had left in the kitchen. There was a sadness on her face, the understanding that her little girl had grown up and was ready to get a place of her own. She called it a mother’s intuition. But she did not mention this to Molly, letting her come to that decision for herself. Tessa would not tolerate discussions of life after death, spirituality, ghosts or tarot cards. Molly had known better than to share with her the birthday gift from Anna. And yet it made her heart sink, wishing that she could share this with her mum. She felt the rift between them growing and Molly’s urge to get her own place became stronger. 

It was well after 1pm when Molly came downstairs. She grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the kitchen bench, filled a bottle with water and headed off to the beach. Tessa was nowhere to be seen and Molly felt somewhat relieved. It was a glorious day, and she enjoyed the warm sand between her toes as she walked along the beach, watching as children played, people walked with their dogs, and others were swimming. She found a private spot amongst the sand dunes with a view out to the waters and laid down her towel with the intention to meditate. It was good to be out of the house and her mind felt more free sitting here on the beach, listening to the sound of the waves and children playing. Very quickly she found herself in a place of stillness, detached from the sounds that were around her. Again she felt the presence of someone else with her, and the immense feeling of love that washed over her. Tears rolled softly down her cheeks. “Who are you? I want to know who you are” She whispered, and felt the warm touch of someone’s hand on her shoulder. It felt so real, it made her jump. Startled she looked around to see who must have touched her, but there was no one. The sensation vanished and she felt a wave of grief wash over her. She felt so alone.

That night before going to sleep, Molly asked to meet her guardian angel. She quickly fell into a deep sleep and had a vivid dream. In the dream Molly found herself in a room. It overlooked a garden filled with roses, lavender and rosemary hedges shaped in a circle surrounding a small fountain. The colours were so vibrant and the fragrance of the herbs and blossoms wafted through the open window. As she stood staring out the window, she heard a door close behind her. Molly turned around quickly to see a glamorous woman  dressed in a beautiful ball gown made with a floral print of various shades of pink roses on a cream background. Her hair was brushed neatly up into a bun, ringlets framed her attractive face. Her smile matched the happy feel of the beautiful print of her dress, and the room even smelt of roses. The woman held out her arms to embrace Molly and the sensation was like being immersed in a warm bath with rose petals. 

“Who are you?” Moy asked.

“I am Grace. You know me as your guardian angel. But I am so much more…”

Molly woke with a start, tangled up in her sheets, sweating, her heart racing. Quickly she reached for her journal and fervently scribbled down the dream whilst it was clear in her memory, mingled with the lingering fragrance of roses.

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